Defeated

Ahhh.  Today was a day that ended with just feeling defeated.   This happens so rarly.  I know im a good mom.  My kids always come first in any decision I make.  They are always happy and as healthy as I can keep them.   They are well rounded and very smart.  They are extremely loved and slightly spoiled.

Today was a running around day.

Woke up and fed the kids.  Bryson didnt know what he wanted and played with his food, Miah cried because she wanted all of the pancakes ( 2 were for Bryson and 2 were for her) and her cereal.  I knew she wouldn't be able to eat more than what I gave her.  Her fit ended as soon as she tooted and laughed at herself.

Had to run into town.  A 15-20 minute ride at 78 degrees and rising with no a.c.  Bryson instantly throws a fit because he hates car rides.  Miah wants something else in her cup.  Get to the gas station and try to take the gas cap off and it breaks. Seriously.  So I pry that off and put gas in.  Bryson thinks he's getting out so starts to smile.   Then cries when I get back in the car.  Kamiah is mad because the sun isnt letting her see the DVD player....and guess what, moms are supposed to be able to move that damn sun!! 

I had the cash saved that I needed to pick up our prints from our last photography session.  This is the highlight of my day.  My photographer captures my family perfectly.  I love having these memories captured and would spend any amount to have them.  She upgraded my 8x10 normal print to a standout print.  I loved this.  It was such a wonderful surprise :)  Going just about every three months for the last 3 years has earned me that!  Back to reality, trying to have an adult conversation but Kamiah is having a fit.  Back to the car. 

Get to moms house and try to get her business commissions account figured out.  Headache. She has no patients.  But I still love her.  Then these door to door book people come.  They are mid 20s and are trying to sell me things I essentially already have for my kids.  But oh well.

Walmart.  Ugh...need I say more?

Get done with that mess and Bryson is so mad and hot and tired.  Go to moms to drop her off and get Bryson a bottle.  Takes a few minutes to unfreeze the breast milk.  Go to grab the sippy with water in it...and the cap wasnt on. Water all over moms floor.  Clean it up and get to the car.  Miah already passed out, Bryson needs milk.

Get home, get groceries in.  Bryson is still tired and wont go back to sleep.  Miah is crying because she wants me.  Why can't I just be two people.  The living room is a mess and I just want to sit.

Jeremiah gets home, yard work has to get done but the kids wanna see daddy.  Bryson wants outside now and I need to start dinner.   So trying to multitask im getting dinner ready and holding him outside back and forth.

Kids play in their pool(after 5 buckets of hot water are added) for a few and Bryson get a piece of grass in his mouth and is gagging on it.  Finally throws it up.  Time for bath and jammies.  Then dinner. 

I get miah her dinner, and have Jeremiah come in so I can relax in the bath for just a small amount of time.  Miah comes in....I figure she is going potty so I dont rush her out.  Then her clothes come off and she says, "don't put them in  the dirty pile."  Obviously im not bathing alone.  Which also means im not relaxing.  Then I hear my super crawler.  And in comes Bryson.  He wants to play too.

I get out and Bryson apparently needs a boob....im still in my towel and just wanted dinner.  Ik they should be in bed by now....its late.  But ok.  So nurse Bryson and tell Miah to eat.  Not happening.  One bit and she says shes done.   She doesnt eat much and I feel like  I let her go to often without eating what I know she can.   So the fight starts.  Bryson is sleeping, lay him down take two bites....he's up.  Eating dinner and nursing now.  Telling Miah no snacks tomorrow if she doesnt eat.  She just cries she wants me.

At this point im tired. Annoyed. Bryson is sleeping on the floor now.  Im sitting next to Miah coaching her through three bites of food.  End up yelling, she cries and wakes up Bryson.   I just need to walk away.  Breath...Jeremiah is mad because Bryson won't take a paci. 

I feel like I am defeated.  Like I have failed as a great mom.   They dont have bed times like they should.  They sleep with us and Bryson is very sure he need a boob in his mouth to fall asleep.  I just grab them amd go up to bed.  I sing Bryson to sleep, feeling like nursing him is not the best option.  And now I can't sleep.  Im tired.  And emotional. 

Mom.  Its such a draining job.  Not sleeping through the night for idk how long gets to me some days.  Being strong and not showing stress about little things get hard too.  

Hopefully they sleep in tomorrow. 8am sounds wonderful.  Then to the crazy life I love to live again.  Wouldnt trade it for the world.