A year ago today

I was 40 weeks pregnant.  At 39 and 6 days I had not one indication we would be so blessed to see our little man.  I also didnt know my kindness and generosity would end up in being so frustrated with new and training doctors.

Sadly my dr, who is the best dr in the whole wide world, was out of the state for half a day and our baby boy decided it was time to come out.  Good thing though,  we didn't just get one dr...or two...we got three, two of which were still learning and one who was so new, our nurse didnt know her name. 

We start walking because of course my very consistent contractions decided to slow down. While walking we were told to stop at our room because our drs wanted to do a ultrasound.   Since Bryson was flipping each week we had to make sure he was head down.  This should have been out first indication they were not exactly fully trained, the dr had to point out which end of the sonogram machine to use.  Yay for Bryson being head down!

Next stop meds to get these contractions going again. Before they end up giving me an epidural a bit after this they need to check me, the nurse does and im a 4.5 but they want the new girl to give it a shot.  So she does.  She places her fingers just slightly into me...like maybe 3/4 of her fingers.  She says im about a 7. Now anyone that has had a kid knows you need to be damn near elbow deep to get checked. The nurse says she was probably in the wrong area and asked if she would like to try again ( um hello....no thanks!) She passed. Thank god. Fail #2. Mom brings Miah up to visit because im only a 4.5 and I assumed it would be a while. Wrong.  About an hour later im feeling a bit of pressure and the nurse says im ready to push as soon as they break my water...but "they want the girl to try."  Ugh.  Sure why not!?  

The nurse tells her she had to try to NOT break my water with her finger so she should have no problem.  Just kidding....she cant.  She asks for the "stick" :l great....shes gonna poke a hole in my kids head!! Fail #3.

Miah goes into the waiting room with Andrew and Daniel. Mom, Candy and Jeremiah are some great labor partners :)

Time to start pushing, head is half way out and guess who isnt ready?!  You guessed it...the newbies.  The more experienced one asks if I can "just wait a minute"   suurrreee.  Let me just hang out here, with my child's head half way out of my body...grab me a drink while I wait for you to get ready!  "A minute is all you have" was the nicest thing I couldn't spit out.  Fail #4. 

The new girl is in charge of catching our baby on the rest of his way out.  Hopefully she can catch.  Yay!  She can!!

Our baby boy with a full head of hair is placed on my chest and once again its been proven there is such thing as love at first sight!  The amount I had already loved him instantly grew times a thousand. Jeremiah swore he wasnt going to watch another birth,  he was obviously wrong as he excitedly gave me updates on how far out he has been :)

Jeremiah cuts his cord and Candy gets hit with a spirt of cord blood....ew. Good thing she loves me.

Time for a few stitches. I am pleased to hear the guy will be doing it....until the actual dr starts correcting his technique. The look on Candy's face will never leave my mind.  "No you should do it like this..."  "Naw this is how I usually do it"

I can feel that.
Dr- "you should numb the area more"
"No, I did"
That hurts!
After this for a few minutes he decided to numb the area again.
Fail #5

Wonderful, not that my poor lady parts hadn't gone through enough,  there probably just got even more f**ed up.

Kamiah gets to come meet her brother.  She is proud to be a big sister and excited the baby came with a big sister gift for her ;)

Time to pick a name!!  Bryson John it is. John after Jeremiahs grandpa.
Kamiah cried.  She was so set on "Baby Brother"

A few of our favorite people came to visit and it was time to try and rest.  Although the complete bliss i was in was making that hard.

Finally our last day we get to see Dr Gordon!!  He asked if someone he had trained could do the circumcision (he had done many).

No.

Lol....I have done my duties and am forver done volunteering!

Our little man is perfect. Time to take him home!!

6wks later I still wasnt healed thanks to "a terrible stitch job" in my drs words which confirmed my decision ill not be volunteering again.

And now...a year later I miss it.  I miss being pregnant and giving birth. Such an amazing time and im so blessed to have been able to do it twice!

Now.  Off to bed.  Night world!

Quick enough to catch....a mommy must.

Nope.  Not a ball.
Puke....lots of puke.

Before anyone is a parent the thought of watching someone else puke is disturbing...let alone catching it.

Kamiah has been telling us lately she doesn't feel good to get out of things, finishing her dinner... cleaning her toys up... sleeping in her bed.  So today when she said she didnt feel good I kind of blew it off.   Until I was catching her vomit in my hands and had it running down my leg.

That was 8 hours ago.  Just now im in a bath getting the pizza & goldfish puke off of me.

I did mention I was gonna hop in the bath.  And then I get, really....your taking a bath?

Ok...ill get out.  "No, no thats not what I ment...."

Actually it was.  But you're being nice.  I will make it quick though.

I could sit in here forever.  Grab a drink and keep reheating.

Yep...that lasted 5 minutes.  Oh well...now to a bed made for two with 4.  I always said I wouldnt be that mom....the one with all kinds of kids in bed with her.  Well I am.  I love their snuggles.  But I will also enjoy the night they are in their own bed.  Just not quite there with Bryson and I feel like its not fair to Miah of he gets to and she cant.

Last night I slept great, for the first 3 hours.... (thats a lot)  Jeremiah took the kids in their room and had a slumber party.  He is the best.  When Bryson woke up my half asleep body just got up and grabbed him.  Jeremiah told me he had a bottle and I could go back to sleep, but he had to work in the morning so I decided to let him sleep.  He really is great though.

All day Bryson sensed Miah was getting more cuddles than usual....this resulted in him climbing all over me.  It was wonderful.

Well, Miah wants some toast....which means ill most likly be waking up to terrible smelling toast be tossed up tonight.  Crossing my fingers im wrong.

Night <3

Giving to give.

This week has been crap.  Poor Bryson had tubes yesterday and has been a hurting unit.  Kamiah wants extra attention because Bryson is getting extra attention.  My mom thought she had a heart attack so was over night in the hospital.  I obviously called into work when my mom was in the hospital and then had to find someone to take my shift today because Bryson still needed me.  I was overwhelmed because I had a plan that fell through on the other end.  Then the realtor selling our house says she wants to show it today......ahhh!   I dont have time to clean it.  But I do.  And then I think of how thankful i am that someone who already worked a full time job today picked up my shift at work.  I dropped her off a gift card for Starbucks.  Not because I needed to.  But I wanted her to know I really did appreciate what she did. 

Sometimes people surprise you. And its nice to do that for other people.  Its a great feeling.

Jeremiah got home today and we went and looked at a house in town to rent.  Total fail.  Looked great.   But the renter felt for us and gave us all the details the owner would have left out.

This is Karma.  I did something nice for someone who did something nice for me.  And then a stranger did something nice for me when she didnt have to.

This is why I give. Just to give. 

On another note....Bryson is almost one.  I am REALLY sad to almost be done nursing.  I love the bond.  But I dont want to be that weird mom nursing a toddler.  Its time to be done, but im really sad.  What if he is my last one.   What if I never get to nurse a baby to sleep again.  Its probably weird I think like that.  But I really do love the bond it creates.

My lil princess and lil prince are out.  Which means time to send some work emails, and go to bed!  Night world! <3

Ohhh. Just one of those days....

You know the one....where everything irritates you. 

Today was that day.

Let me start by saying there were tons of great things that happened today.  Got to spend time with family from out of state, go into work and help out for a bit, and come back to kids that couldn't wait to see me
But.

I just cant help by be annoyed by so many different things today. 

I know why I am too....its because im just too nice.  Honestly.  Sometimes I wish I could just care less.  I am always trying to plan things with friends and family.  I think its important to do things with people you care about.  Unfortunately its usually something that doesnt happen.  I get it,  I too have to turn down plans because mom life gets nuts....but that's not often the case.  Sometimes I wonder why people don't give more into relationships.   Maybe because they are strong enough they feel its not necessary?   Who knows.  I dont usually care to long about not having a life outside of my kids because they create a world so rich and full of life that I dont need anything else.  But then I get a bit sad, seeing friends/family do different things with other friends/family and I sometimes wonder....why couldnt we do those things?  Oh well. 

Damnit.  Im seriously laying in bed at my moms house writing this and got bit by a stupid mosquito. Wth?!

So back to my annoyed day.  Jeremiah is great.  Seriously 99% of the time just amazing.  But there is this guy thing....no im not calling out all guys...just most.  And after a long day...or just whenever...if there is a group of people and a case of beer it usually trumps anything else....for example people you live with that would like to see you....or a mommy that would like a 15 minute bath?!  I mean I did get a "break" today working....but it was still work.

Annnnd I have to work sat.  And of course any regular babysitter I have is not available and Jeremiah works.  So I am still searching.  This pisses Jeremiah off.  He hates this small part time job I have because he doesn't see it worth "our" time,  but I LOVE it.  No...not because it is the best job ever...but because I get to get out for a few hours and share time with people who dont want to suck the life out of me (sometimes literally).

Well considering Bryson has been sleeping for an hour I should try.  Although the drinking banter I hear outside this window is gonna stop.....or this will be one unhappy mama.

Oh wait! 

I totally tried to pick up an old man today on my way home!!  He was having the hardest time walking with his cub bag in tow and he turned my offer down ;(.

I tried!

Now really...night <3

I remember when...

I seriously can remember hearing this 84952957362940264054 times when I was little.  My sister and I would just roll our eyes.  And now...I say it daily.

I have this Timehop app.  It pulls everything I did exactly a year ago, two years ago...ect.  Lately I have been getting pics of a sweet toddler with a baby face and a giant belly.   Soon ill be seeing pics of a newborn....can he seriously already be one?!

I see posts from before we had kids.  It just doesn't seem real, that such a short time ago my world I know now, didn't exist.  I didnt breath each breath thinking about these two beautiful creations that share my DNA.  Jeremiah and I lived a fun, carefree life.  We went to sleep and most nights were close enough to snuggle, his arm around me. Now....well I honestly dont remember the last night there wasn't a baby, toddler, or giant belly between us.

I try SO hard to soak it up.  Remember everything.  Smell them.  Sunggle them.  Tell them I love them hourly.  Let them play and be little.  I spoil them. 

I have this terrible "what if" mind set....not living in fear but living each moment to the most, living it so if something absoulty terrible happened to one of our kids I wouldn't have regrets.  I know it might sound silly to some, but if I didnt play that game with Kamiah or if I had let Bryson cry for an hour before he fell asleep in his crib, and the next day I woke up to find something terrible had happened I couldn't live with the what if.

Going back to, I remember when....  Im sometimes sad.  I already dont remember as vividly as I wish I could.  The sweet things Kamiah said in her early advanced days of talking.  The nights I held Bryson as a newborn that seemed to go way faster then they should have.  I almost get why people keep having kids....these moments are amazing.  I live for them.  Each day I am consumed with so much happiness for the family I have been blessed with I can't sleep thinking about it. 

In time Kamiah will become annoyed with us telling her, I remember when...but for now ill stay content with her telling me...I remember when you were a baby, mom....haha. 

I wont make the mistake of not thinking these days will go by fast.  I will make the most of each day with this amazing family god has blessed us with.  I will be that crazy mom who is always obsessed with her kids, not because I want everyone to think im some fantastic mom but because they are worth it, they deserve it <3

Now to fall asleep before my teething monster wakes back up :)

Defeated

Ahhh.  Today was a day that ended with just feeling defeated.   This happens so rarly.  I know im a good mom.  My kids always come first in any decision I make.  They are always happy and as healthy as I can keep them.   They are well rounded and very smart.  They are extremely loved and slightly spoiled.

Today was a running around day.

Woke up and fed the kids.  Bryson didnt know what he wanted and played with his food, Miah cried because she wanted all of the pancakes ( 2 were for Bryson and 2 were for her) and her cereal.  I knew she wouldn't be able to eat more than what I gave her.  Her fit ended as soon as she tooted and laughed at herself.

Had to run into town.  A 15-20 minute ride at 78 degrees and rising with no a.c.  Bryson instantly throws a fit because he hates car rides.  Miah wants something else in her cup.  Get to the gas station and try to take the gas cap off and it breaks. Seriously.  So I pry that off and put gas in.  Bryson thinks he's getting out so starts to smile.   Then cries when I get back in the car.  Kamiah is mad because the sun isnt letting her see the DVD player....and guess what, moms are supposed to be able to move that damn sun!! 

I had the cash saved that I needed to pick up our prints from our last photography session.  This is the highlight of my day.  My photographer captures my family perfectly.  I love having these memories captured and would spend any amount to have them.  She upgraded my 8x10 normal print to a standout print.  I loved this.  It was such a wonderful surprise :)  Going just about every three months for the last 3 years has earned me that!  Back to reality, trying to have an adult conversation but Kamiah is having a fit.  Back to the car. 

Get to moms house and try to get her business commissions account figured out.  Headache. She has no patients.  But I still love her.  Then these door to door book people come.  They are mid 20s and are trying to sell me things I essentially already have for my kids.  But oh well.

Walmart.  Ugh...need I say more?

Get done with that mess and Bryson is so mad and hot and tired.  Go to moms to drop her off and get Bryson a bottle.  Takes a few minutes to unfreeze the breast milk.  Go to grab the sippy with water in it...and the cap wasnt on. Water all over moms floor.  Clean it up and get to the car.  Miah already passed out, Bryson needs milk.

Get home, get groceries in.  Bryson is still tired and wont go back to sleep.  Miah is crying because she wants me.  Why can't I just be two people.  The living room is a mess and I just want to sit.

Jeremiah gets home, yard work has to get done but the kids wanna see daddy.  Bryson wants outside now and I need to start dinner.   So trying to multitask im getting dinner ready and holding him outside back and forth.

Kids play in their pool(after 5 buckets of hot water are added) for a few and Bryson get a piece of grass in his mouth and is gagging on it.  Finally throws it up.  Time for bath and jammies.  Then dinner. 

I get miah her dinner, and have Jeremiah come in so I can relax in the bath for just a small amount of time.  Miah comes in....I figure she is going potty so I dont rush her out.  Then her clothes come off and she says, "don't put them in  the dirty pile."  Obviously im not bathing alone.  Which also means im not relaxing.  Then I hear my super crawler.  And in comes Bryson.  He wants to play too.

I get out and Bryson apparently needs a boob....im still in my towel and just wanted dinner.  Ik they should be in bed by now....its late.  But ok.  So nurse Bryson and tell Miah to eat.  Not happening.  One bit and she says shes done.   She doesnt eat much and I feel like  I let her go to often without eating what I know she can.   So the fight starts.  Bryson is sleeping, lay him down take two bites....he's up.  Eating dinner and nursing now.  Telling Miah no snacks tomorrow if she doesnt eat.  She just cries she wants me.

At this point im tired. Annoyed. Bryson is sleeping on the floor now.  Im sitting next to Miah coaching her through three bites of food.  End up yelling, she cries and wakes up Bryson.   I just need to walk away.  Breath...Jeremiah is mad because Bryson won't take a paci. 

I feel like I am defeated.  Like I have failed as a great mom.   They dont have bed times like they should.  They sleep with us and Bryson is very sure he need a boob in his mouth to fall asleep.  I just grab them amd go up to bed.  I sing Bryson to sleep, feeling like nursing him is not the best option.  And now I can't sleep.  Im tired.  And emotional. 

Mom.  Its such a draining job.  Not sleeping through the night for idk how long gets to me some days.  Being strong and not showing stress about little things get hard too.  

Hopefully they sleep in tomorrow. 8am sounds wonderful.  Then to the crazy life I love to live again.  Wouldnt trade it for the world.  

Finding the perfect guy

Well im confident I have.  Obviously he isnt perfect.  And I dont believe this because we just started dating and haven't seen his flaws yet, because after 6 1/2 years im sure I know them better than he dose.  But his flaws are part of the perfection, lets face it ladies and gents, we all have them.   So if you are looking for someone without them have fun.  And if you do happen to find that one flawless guy, he probably wont stick around long because you yourself, are not flawless.

Let me also add he dose do things that drives me nuts....currently him and the kids are eating popcorn in bed.  Makes me crazy. Lol. But the kids think its the coolest thing ever.

A huge part of his perfection is how much he shows me he appreciates what I do.  For over 6 years now most of the time I make dinner and I like having it ready wjen he gets home from work and out of the shower, each time I make him a plate and each time he tell me ," Thanks Babe, you didnt have to."  And each time for some reason he still doesnt expect me to do it.  This makes me smile and makes me want to keep doing it.  Constantly telling me how much he appreciates what in do with our kids, to me this is huge.  A LOT of stay at home moms are left underappreciated.   After a long day of working for my business or at a part time job I sometimes work, I come home to bathed kids, a clean house, a bubble bath and a drink waiting for me.  He is just the best :)

He never talkes to me like he is bigger than I am.  Obviously we have an argument every now and then and things can get heated, but a fight once every few months is healthy, in my opinion.

He is the best dad ever.  Honestly the way I seen him connect with his nephew was what immediately attacked me to him.  I knew, some clicked inside my head he would be the best dad.  He didnt know it yet, but I felt it.  In the next few weeks I believed in fate.  I knew id be happy spending the rest of forever with him.  It was weird and made me a little uncomfortable.   After dating a few months we decided to move across the country to FL.  Everyone said we crazy, but I felt completely secure and safe in our decision. 

We have been through rough times and pulled through.   We have hit patches where it would have been easier to walk away, but we didn't.  When there is an issue we work it out.  We both know what we have is what people search for forever and by some crazy chance of fate we found it and we will do what it takes to keep it<3

Instead of getting all gushy ill just say, I know there is someone perfect for everyone.  But you cant force it.  It just has to happen.  And as much as you may want it to be, sometimes it just isnt.  I am confident I have the perfect other half and cant wait to see what the rest of forever brings us :)