Blessed after a loss

At the begining of this month, if you had asked me what I was thankful for I would have told you I was thankful for a seemingly healthy pregnancy, my beautiful healthy family and friends and all that we have.

I havent been on FB much in the last few months.  I have been SO sick.  My body never deals with the first half of pregnancy well, adding being a mom to 2 very active kids, a wife (practically) and a friend.  In the last few months I have been so thankful for the support system I have had while being so sick and unavailable to most of them. 

Before each of our beautiful, perfect children we experienced a loss of a baby.  This time around I was most nervous about that.  This pattern I've been cursed with.  Thankfully I have an AMAZING team that works with my dr and they accommodated to every paranoia attack I had.  Showing me through tests and ultrasounds that everything with our new baby was ok.  After 2 ultrasounds and blood tests we decided to let the kids know we would be welcoming a new baby and that mommy wasnt actually sick with the flu for weeks.

We got the cutest video while telling them, I couldnt wait to share it with our friends and family.  I got comfortable with the fact that we were doing so well and told many people I talked to often.  December 12th was the day we were going to publicly announce our 3rd bundle of joy.  That day marked week 12 of our pregnancy and what I considered pur "safe" point.  Thats in 2 weeks from now.  But we fell a little short. Today at an ultrasound our baby had no delectable heartbeat (baby did a few weeks ago) and had not grown more than a week from our last ultrasound.  Although going for a second opinion later this week we know our baby has gone to heaven to live with the others.

Killed me to tell our kiddos that our baby went to live with God before we could meet it.  Its hard for them to understand.  Its hard for me to understand.  Why do we require a loss before we bring a baby into our family.

Then I reevaluate.  After going through each loss we experienced the miracle of our babies. Our perfect, beautiful babies.  How could I question anything when I know there is always a reason, no matter how much the reason hurts us.  If we hadn't suffered losses befor Kamiah and Bryson, we wouldn't have them. And there in NOTHING in this world I am more greatful for than them. Nothing.

Miscarriage is such a quiet topic.  But its so real and so common.  Being quiet for so long on FB (most quiet I have been in years) I was hoping to come back and announce our expecting baby.  But im back to say that baby got to go to paradise sooner than most.   This is the easiest way to express what the last few quiet months have been for us, and now why I may be quiet a bit longer.  Prayers are always welcome. But know we are at peace. Life is a beautiful thing, no matter its lenght.  And now a healing process can begin.